A Dunedin Deep Cut

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For a few years momentum has been building behind the rise of a local tween bicycle gang. Upon lite journalistic research for this blog, I unearthed that this specific flavor of gang is present in most of the towns surrounding the one that I’m snowbirding in — Dunedin, Florida.

They are called The Wheelie Kids.

Picture this — a throng of about five male crumb-crunching hellions riding around (without helmets) causing mayhem, and it goes without saying, doing wheelies. Most of them have long hair. Shirtless. They typically wear socks with slides (still “in” I guess). They have a take-no-prisoners attitude.

The wheelies themselves are kind of impressive I guess, but the classless attitude toward the elderly who live here is not. And if there’s one thing I hate it’s rotten kids being rude to their elders.

It seems there are wheelie gangs in a lot of cities. In Dunedin they are known for taking up the entire road in heavily trafficked areas, riding directly towards an oncoming vehicle, cutting over before they’re hit, flicking people off, shouting profanities, and generally terrorizing the older community.

Maybe you are like ha ha, kids on bikes.

There is a facebook group called “wheelie kids Discussion” made up of 442 concerned citizens and this is their banner image:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/258151566645360/

Now I cannot say if I have evidence of the rugrats causing actual physical harm, but I do know that last year Mel and I were riding the golf cart and passed one with a broken bike chain. At this moment in time I didn’t know about the gang, and was like aw, let’s pull over.

Mel was like hell no, that’s a Wheelie Kid.

They were like “hey lady, let us hang on to your golf cart!”

Mel being Mel was like “FAT CHANCE!” and sped off at 17mph.

The brats proceeded to circle us all the way home, calling us bitches (ha ha ha), etc. I was equal parts terrified and enraged (there’s nothing scarier than a teen). I kind of blacked out, but I’m pretty sure I shouted back '“GET A JOB!” or something equally as boomer since I don’t use profanity in front of Mel. But let me tell you this — it was life or death. How do I know these adolescent males weren’t going to TP her house?! Or whatever kids these days do that’s probably 99%x more deadly.

Mel, of course, cool as a cucumber. Anyway, their sour reputation has been gaining traction ever since.

In the past year I’ve also observed the girl boss equivalent. I’m not sure if they are as revered as the Wheelie Kids as I’ve never seen them doing actual wheelies. Just mostly riding around in groups with their helmets slung over their handle bars as if to say “bike death? I don’t know her.” In some circles they’re known as the Wheelie Kids’ Girlfriends. Which, as I type this seems really anti-feminist, but I am in Florida after all.

Maybe you are thinking — why doesn’t someone call the police? Again, I would point to the fact that I am in Florida and their parents probably are the police. And also — the police :|

Maybe you are thinking — someone’s going to shoot them. And, honestly, it is curious how this hasn’t happened (see above note on cop parents).

If you scroll long enough in the Facebook group you’ll see there is even a tee shirt design circulating. It’s a coyote (another plain sight criminal) doing a wheelie with a helicopter circling and a palm tree.

Lastly, for the viewing pleasure of my Paids, I give you never-before-seen original footage taken by yours truly of a Wheelie Kid in action. The time was approximately 8pm on a Monday night (A SCHOOL NIGHT) as Mel and I were having some fish tacos at the marina downtown. Sound up for Mel’s not-to-be-missed narration: