I Break for Hammams

A step-by-step guide to maximizing a self-retreat

I have been going to The Standard Miami Beach each January since I was in my 20’s. It is really the perfect place to get away in the winter which all of you readers are probably coming face-to-face with right about now.

For the past few years I have been framing this retreat as a business trip where I clear my mind, recharge, and then naturally get a million ideas I then bring back to where else — the computer. Let me tell you how it’s done.

Over the years it has gotten so expensive that now I can only allow myself two nights in the middle of the week when the prices are low ($345/night before taxes). It’s totally worth it. I drive down (4.5 hours) and do valet parking. I want you to think about what you think this would cost per night. If you said $50 plus tip you would be correct. Best $50 I ever spent, I’m obsessed with this place.

The Standard used to be called The Lido and was one of the first spas in Miami. It sits on the bay of Belle Island (vs the beach, weeding out the tourists) and is adults only which really helps the nervous system reach a level stasis most days unrecognizable to the naked eye.

Here I will outline for you everything you will do in the 1.5 days you are there. I do this same routine every time I go and it has never failed me.

First you arrive promptly at checkin (3pm). Not a second before because your room will absolutely not be ready. You make your Hurts So Good deep tissue massage appointment ($286) for 4:30. This gives you time to drop your bag, check out the pool scene, change into your robe, and head to the hammam.

Initially you will feel the immediate urge to “make the most” of your short time there. For me this means putting restrictions on myself in order to maximize my restoration — no drinking alcohol, going on a run and reading all of the materials I brought (an old New York Times I never finished, The New Yorker I also did not finish, my self-help book, flagged Nora Ephron interviews, and my journal which I like to read cover-to-cover from time-to-time).

It also means making sure I take all the necessary precautions to save money so I can justify living above my means like walking to Publix for dinner, again not drinking alcohol, bringing my own coffee. Doesn’t that sound fun?! Don’t worry, I abandon all of these rules promptly after my massage which is why it’s essential to book your massage for right after you arrive.

The Standard Spa has a steam room and a sauna in addition to the hammam. If you don’t know what a hammam is I’m afraid you simply have not yet lived. It’s a room of varied marble elevation, heated from the floor up. You basically just lay there on the hot stone. The lights are low, generally no one is talking and it’s heaven. Slinking around that joint for 45 minutes gets you loosened up before the massage.

You’re out around 5:30 and starving. If you’re me you go to the restaurant still in your robe because you can do that at The Standard. You will order a dirty martini ($26), happy hour oysters ($3pp) and the nicoise salad (who’$ counting but the bill was $100). Then you go back to your room, shower and eat one of the two free chocolate chip cookies.

You get into bed and just lie there in silence. I am telling you I don’t know what it is about that place, but I go into a blissful trance. How do they do it! Anyway maybe I read some of my material, make some notes, pop a magnesium pill and go to bed ridiculously early.

The next morning you get up without an alarm at around 7 which is perfect timing because that’s when the coffee bar opens. Another day in paradise. There are so many delicious things at the coffee bar. You charge your drip coffee to the room and take it out to the docks where you sit there watching the water and the sunrise yoga class you are not attending.

Now unless you are living on another planet you have heard me complain about Florida’s weather and this little overnight in Miami was no exception. It was cold, it was windy, it was grey. But none of that matters when you are in a state of euphoria. I mean, look how skinny my leg looks here. That’s the magic of The Standard Miami Beach.

When you’ve finished your coffee meditation, you go back to the room, do your business and get your suit on. Leaving your phone in the room (v important) you return to the pool to do some casual swims the horizontal way. Yes, it’s heated. The only other people poolside at 8am are one or two pleebs taking international work calls and possibly a pregnant woman. Then it’s back to the hammam and saunas.

You are practically on a silent retreat at this point.